my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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