they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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