I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
