she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
