I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
