hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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