Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
