All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
