can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
