i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
