Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
