Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
