My liver just broke up with me...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
