His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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