you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
