That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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