Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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