I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
