So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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