On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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