this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
