remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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