I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
