I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
