The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
