Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
