She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
