oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
