Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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