I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
