I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
