can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
