Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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