My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
