my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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