I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
4 words: hood of his car
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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