i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
