Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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