Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
