you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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