Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
