My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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