He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
