I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
