I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
