im holly from the hills drunk
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
