Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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