come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
