Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
