Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
