just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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